Top Ten Lists

Top Ten Excuses or Really Good Explanations

10. My dog at my car
9 . This big giant bus full of bikini models wanted me to stop and oil them up...so I just had to be late to do it
8. My Aunt Frieda died (third Aunt Frieda this month)
7. My other job as a secret agent for the British government prohibits me from telling you why I am late
6. I actually had a date and the only time I she was free was when I was supposed to be here
5. My steering is broke on my car and it will only make left hand turns so I had to drive all the way to the amll to get here
4. These two big bully guys threatened to beat me up unless I gave them all of the change in my pockets, then they made me count to a thousand, and by the time I got finished it was time for me to be here
3. I am pretending I am Chinese so right now I should actually be asleep.
2. Due to the gravitational pull of the Moon upon the Earth and the position in which my watch was located I am always 40 minutes behind.
1. El Nino made me do it

Top Ten Vacation Spots for Losers

10. The International Calculator Convention in beautiful downtown Lincoln, Nebraska.
9. Four fun filled days at your mom's house
8. A personally guided tour through the biggest block of cheese in Osceola, Missouri
7. Seven days, six nights onboard the Blackwater River Queen, Central Missouri's most beautiful and luxurious excursion vessel.
6. Any Star Trek convention.
5. Sunning yourself on the sandy beaches of Clinton.
4. A fantasy vacation, in which you get to be liked and are popular.
3. The 14th Annual Puzzle Day Parade in Chatanooga, Tennessee.
2. The Uno Hall of Fame, featuring seven time World Uno Champion, Marshall Pratsky and his puppet Felix.
1. Three words...Sesame Street Live


Top Ten Great Pumpkin Pet Peaves

10. Whenever on TV has to suck it in because the camera adds 40 pounds.
9. That damn Easter Bunny keeps getting plowed and he has to go bail him out of jail...again.
8. That Martha Stewart woman and all of her recipies for pie.
7. The Tooth Fairy is the President of his local labor union.
6. Santa has his little helpers and his flying reindeer - he doesn't even have any hands.
5. When he was on Springer no one picked a fight with him.
4. His mom keeps calling him her lil' punkin.
3. When the cable goes out during Melrose Place.
2. Whenever he makes his grand entrance at the annual Magical Holiday Being Festival, he trips and falls like a drunk Jerry Lewis.
1. Those horn of plenty pictures make him look fat.