Top Ten Action Items from This Year’s Annual Magical Holiday Being Meeting
10. Send an open letter, signed by all committee members, to Tim Allen asking him to stop doing Santa Claus movies.
9. Leave the open bar open during all meetings. It’s just necessary.
8. Invite Jesus back as a guest speaker – he can really hold an audience’s attention, and he does some really cool tricks.
7. Move the spouses’ golf tournament offsite – The tooth fairy’s husband gets all liquored up and ends up embarrassing his wife.
6. Find a meeting site that has facilities for reindeer – Santa refuses to fly commercial.
5. Remind IT to setup a workstation so the Easter Bunny can check his stocks.
4. Make sure the breakfast bar has crispy bacon. The Great Pumpkin loves crispy bacon.
3. Put a ryder in the contract about no pumpkin pies whatsoever!
2. See if we can get a discount on meals since elves aren’t really adult sized and should be charged a kids meal price.
1. Next year’s entertainment. – The Eagles.
Pic O' the Day
Omaha-March-Spring Break-Zoo-Snowstorm-Iowa State Wrestlers kept us up all night...
Friday, December 12, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
Top Ten Things My Dog Would Say to Me if She Spoke English
10. The kitty litter looks a lot more appetizing than it tastes.
9. It’s not funny when the little fat one gets on my back and tries to ride me around like a donkey
8. The cat vomit looks a lot more appetizing than it tastes.
7. I could make number two in the toilet, but it gives me pleasure to see you search for my yard gifts when it’s 10 degrees outside.
6. If I had thumbs I would lock you outside during my supper like you do with me during yours… 5. Please buy a better brand a macaroni and cheese. If I am going to beg at the table it had better be worth it.
4. When you leave for the day, please put the TV on Lifetime Movie Network.
3. It’s not funny when you catch me licking the carpet, I know it’s hilarious to you, but your demon seed spilled their greasy French Fries on the floor and I am just doing what is necessary.
2. I know the neighbors champion Labrador can fetch the newspaper, walk off leash, and say hello, but look how green I made the backyard last spring, I have talents too.
1.
10. The kitty litter looks a lot more appetizing than it tastes.
9. It’s not funny when the little fat one gets on my back and tries to ride me around like a donkey
8. The cat vomit looks a lot more appetizing than it tastes.
7. I could make number two in the toilet, but it gives me pleasure to see you search for my yard gifts when it’s 10 degrees outside.
6. If I had thumbs I would lock you outside during my supper like you do with me during yours… 5. Please buy a better brand a macaroni and cheese. If I am going to beg at the table it had better be worth it.
4. When you leave for the day, please put the TV on Lifetime Movie Network.
3. It’s not funny when you catch me licking the carpet, I know it’s hilarious to you, but your demon seed spilled their greasy French Fries on the floor and I am just doing what is necessary.
2. I know the neighbors champion Labrador can fetch the newspaper, walk off leash, and say hello, but look how green I made the backyard last spring, I have talents too.
1.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
New Out of the Blue Things My Kids Have Said...Out Loud...for Everyone to Hear
10. When are these going to get bigger like yours (my four year old daughter pointing to her chest and talking to me)
9. Why does dad have a magazine about fancy cats
8. I saw Noah in the bathroom and he wasn't sitting down and he was shooting pee into the toilet from his belly
7. I am sending my pee and poop to Heaven. (Because we flushed the dead fish and the dead fish went to Heaven...)
6. Aghhhh!!!! There's a snake in the toilet!! Wait a minute, wait a minute, it's okay, it's not a real snake...it's just a poop snake.
5. This feels like mommy's legs (again, the four year old, at Wal Mart, touching the velcro strap on a backpack.
4. I can't shake your hand because I farted on it while you were talking (said to the pastor at our church).
3. Daddy, is it okay if I pet the fur on your back.
2. How many times can I say god dang it before I get in trouble?
1. Thomas farted and it smells like bacon.
10. When are these going to get bigger like yours (my four year old daughter pointing to her chest and talking to me)
9. Why does dad have a magazine about fancy cats
8. I saw Noah in the bathroom and he wasn't sitting down and he was shooting pee into the toilet from his belly
7. I am sending my pee and poop to Heaven. (Because we flushed the dead fish and the dead fish went to Heaven...)
6. Aghhhh!!!! There's a snake in the toilet!! Wait a minute, wait a minute, it's okay, it's not a real snake...it's just a poop snake.
5. This feels like mommy's legs (again, the four year old, at Wal Mart, touching the velcro strap on a backpack.
4. I can't shake your hand because I farted on it while you were talking (said to the pastor at our church).
3. Daddy, is it okay if I pet the fur on your back.
2. How many times can I say god dang it before I get in trouble?
1. Thomas farted and it smells like bacon.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Friday, October 31, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
Signs my kids might be in a secret society
10. Halloween costumes and costume accessories this year – cloaks, squares, and compasses
9. Wanted to name the fish Opus Dei
8. Keep referring to parade Shriners as “the necessary distraction.”
7. Sold all of their stocks on September 5th with an order to repurchase on November 3rd…Odd.
6. Get incredibly mad at me when I call the movie National Treasure a comedy.
5. During our drive to preschool scrolling through the menu of available songs on the radio my daughter yells NO, NO, NO, ROCK AND ROLL, NO MORE TALKING RADIO. Sorry that’s a sign she will grow up to be a radio program director.
4. Slipped up and called President Bush, President Cheney.
3. Read the classified ads in my wife’s cosmo magazine then make a hushed comment to the dog.
2. Like to watch Dora the Explorer muted.
1. Blank for fear of retribution
10. Halloween costumes and costume accessories this year – cloaks, squares, and compasses
9. Wanted to name the fish Opus Dei
8. Keep referring to parade Shriners as “the necessary distraction.”
7. Sold all of their stocks on September 5th with an order to repurchase on November 3rd…Odd.
6. Get incredibly mad at me when I call the movie National Treasure a comedy.
5. During our drive to preschool scrolling through the menu of available songs on the radio my daughter yells NO, NO, NO, ROCK AND ROLL, NO MORE TALKING RADIO. Sorry that’s a sign she will grow up to be a radio program director.
4. Slipped up and called President Bush, President Cheney.
3. Read the classified ads in my wife’s cosmo magazine then make a hushed comment to the dog.
2. Like to watch Dora the Explorer muted.
1. Blank for fear of retribution
Monday, September 22, 2008
Names of the New 5th Floor Multipurpose Room
The BAR (Big Ass Room)
Mark’s Madness
The Stereo Room (2 of eveything)
Mother of all Ice Machines Room
The Charlie Wear Memorial Conference Room
The holographic deck
The PIP room
The Kevin Volker Editing Room (Shades Drawn)
Kobayashi Maru
Mark’s Madness
The Stereo Room (2 of eveything)
Mother of all Ice Machines Room
The Charlie Wear Memorial Conference Room
The holographic deck
The PIP room
The Kevin Volker Editing Room (Shades Drawn)
Kobayashi Maru
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
Restaurants that are Destined to Fail, Based on Their Name
Buffalo Stink Fingers
Hedgeapplebees
Soupies
Canadian House of Pancakes
Peckers
TGI October’s
Turkey Burger King
Dave and Martha’s
Ruddfuckers
Huggies
Hedgeapplebees
Soupies
Canadian House of Pancakes
Peckers
TGI October’s
Turkey Burger King
Dave and Martha’s
Ruddfuckers
Huggies
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Doctor List
Okay so this is kind of an odd list, but with the latest visits to another physical therapist and for the sake of my sanity, here is a list of doctors and medical specialists my kids have seen more than once.
- Pediatrician
- Neonatologist
- Pediatric Dermatologist
- Pediatric Orthopedic Surgeon
- Pediatric Cardiologist
- Pediatric Ear Nose and Throat Surgeon
- Pediatric Ophthalmology Surgeon
- Pediatric Plastic Surgeon
- Physical Therapist
- Occupational Therapist
- Pediatric Allergist
Friday, August 22, 2008
A New Set of Lists
Indications the Tech Support Center You Called May Not Be Up To Par
First step in the troubleshooting process…Press the turbo button.
When they made a change to your account it was followed by a ZOIKES.
Normal disclaimer phrase that the call may be monitored or recorded replaced with adverstisement for Gold Bond medicated powder.
During the uncomfortable period while waiting for install process to finish, instead of the how’s the weather question, you get poem.
Wants to know if your file is digitally or analogally signed.
Support person keeps referring to your Crisco Switches.
On hold music is the theme to Hogan’s Heroes.
In reading back the process step s the tech decodes acronyms with whatever words they think fit…think MFP
In the background you hear PBR me ASAP
Phrases My Wife Said I Am No Longer Allowed To Say
Then there was this one time…at band camp
That’s Nuckin Futs
Taco Flavored Kisses
Salma Hayek
I’m here to say Hi to some guy named Gene.
First step in the troubleshooting process…Press the turbo button.
When they made a change to your account it was followed by a ZOIKES.
Normal disclaimer phrase that the call may be monitored or recorded replaced with adverstisement for Gold Bond medicated powder.
During the uncomfortable period while waiting for install process to finish, instead of the how’s the weather question, you get poem.
Wants to know if your file is digitally or analogally signed.
Support person keeps referring to your Crisco Switches.
On hold music is the theme to Hogan’s Heroes.
In reading back the process step s the tech decodes acronyms with whatever words they think fit…think MFP
In the background you hear PBR me ASAP
Phrases My Wife Said I Am No Longer Allowed To Say
Then there was this one time…at band camp
That’s Nuckin Futs
Taco Flavored Kisses
Salma Hayek
I’m here to say Hi to some guy named Gene.
Friday, August 8, 2008
I really, really, really want to ride that ride
Olivia wanted to ride the kiddie roller coaster. Here's a picture - below is the movie. Check out the dirty look she shoots me the on the third pass she makes.
Top Ten Good Things about Being in IT
Ok, so it's not ten...yet, but here it is so far.
10. The ability to work the word virtual into any conversation
9. Cat 6 print camo renders us virtually invisible
8. Blank stare you get from your kids when you inform them of the weekend infrastructure changes to their rooms
7. Right before the start of street fight, remind your opponent that it’s no coincidence Mr. T’s initials on the A Team were B.A.
6. Canadian donut Friday’s
5. Inside giggle we get when spellcheck suggests PMS for CMS.
4.
3.
2.
1.
10. The ability to work the word virtual into any conversation
9. Cat 6 print camo renders us virtually invisible
8. Blank stare you get from your kids when you inform them of the weekend infrastructure changes to their rooms
7. Right before the start of street fight, remind your opponent that it’s no coincidence Mr. T’s initials on the A Team were B.A.
6. Canadian donut Friday’s
5. Inside giggle we get when spellcheck suggests PMS for CMS.
4.
3.
2.
1.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Top Ten Out-of-The Blue Things My Kids Have Said While Riding in the Car
These are a random list of things my kids have blurted out or said for no apparent reason while riding in the car. Here they are:
10. Can I have a piece of cheese?
9. I wish I had a dinosaur.
8. What’s 19 plus 42? (a question from the 4 year old)
7. Great, now it’s going to smell like old people.
6. I’m not going to get married, I’m just going to live with my cats
5. I am telling the people next to us to slow down (middle finger displayed to all of the cars next to us)
4. Thomas’ feet smell like corn chips
3. This is definitely not the way to Chuck E Cheese.
2. Shit Fire
1. I forgot to put on underpants
10. Can I have a piece of cheese?
9. I wish I had a dinosaur.
8. What’s 19 plus 42? (a question from the 4 year old)
7. Great, now it’s going to smell like old people.
6. I’m not going to get married, I’m just going to live with my cats
5. I am telling the people next to us to slow down (middle finger displayed to all of the cars next to us)
4. Thomas’ feet smell like corn chips
3. This is definitely not the way to Chuck E Cheese.
2. Shit Fire
1. I forgot to put on underpants
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Thursday, July 10, 2008
New Lists - Just Not Necessarily Ten
Useless College Degrees or Progressive Rock Album Titles
Professional Nanny
Animal Husbandry
Turfgrass Management
Paper Science
Unorthodox Behavior
Tool kit of a World Class Carny
Mirrored, fold-up, sunglasses
Creepy squint
Tango and Cash screen print t-shirt
Liberal use of the word…Chief
Tattoo of a sock monkey
Professional Nanny
Animal Husbandry
Turfgrass Management
Paper Science
Unorthodox Behavior
Tool kit of a World Class Carny
Mirrored, fold-up, sunglasses
Creepy squint
Tango and Cash screen print t-shirt
Liberal use of the word…Chief
Tattoo of a sock monkey
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Nicknames I Have Been Assigned Over the Years
Bodie
Bodee
Psycho
PK
Stab
Stabber
Stabby
Pete
Stab-a-rific
Killer
Monday, June 30, 2008
Top Ten Lists
Top Ten Excuses or Really Good Explanations
10. My dog at my car
9 . This big giant bus full of bikini models wanted me to stop and oil them up...so I just had to be late to do it
8. My Aunt Frieda died (third Aunt Frieda this month)
7. My other job as a secret agent for the British government prohibits me from telling you why I am late
6. I actually had a date and the only time I she was free was when I was supposed to be here
5. My steering is broke on my car and it will only make left hand turns so I had to drive all the way to the amll to get here
4. These two big bully guys threatened to beat me up unless I gave them all of the change in my pockets, then they made me count to a thousand, and by the time I got finished it was time for me to be here
3. I am pretending I am Chinese so right now I should actually be asleep.
2. Due to the gravitational pull of the Moon upon the Earth and the position in which my watch was located I am always 40 minutes behind.
1. El Nino made me do it
Top Ten Vacation Spots for Losers
10. The International Calculator Convention in beautiful downtown Lincoln, Nebraska.
9. Four fun filled days at your mom's house
8. A personally guided tour through the biggest block of cheese in Osceola, Missouri
7. Seven days, six nights onboard the Blackwater River Queen, Central Missouri's most beautiful and luxurious excursion vessel.
6. Any Star Trek convention.
5. Sunning yourself on the sandy beaches of Clinton.
4. A fantasy vacation, in which you get to be liked and are popular.
3. The 14th Annual Puzzle Day Parade in Chatanooga, Tennessee.
2. The Uno Hall of Fame, featuring seven time World Uno Champion, Marshall Pratsky and his puppet Felix.
1. Three words...Sesame Street Live
Top Ten Great Pumpkin Pet Peaves
10. Whenever on TV has to suck it in because the camera adds 40 pounds.
9. That damn Easter Bunny keeps getting plowed and he has to go bail him out of jail...again.
8. That Martha Stewart woman and all of her recipies for pie.
7. The Tooth Fairy is the President of his local labor union.
6. Santa has his little helpers and his flying reindeer - he doesn't even have any hands.
5. When he was on Springer no one picked a fight with him.
4. His mom keeps calling him her lil' punkin.
3. When the cable goes out during Melrose Place.
2. Whenever he makes his grand entrance at the annual Magical Holiday Being Festival, he trips and falls like a drunk Jerry Lewis.
1. Those horn of plenty pictures make him look fat.
10. My dog at my car
9 . This big giant bus full of bikini models wanted me to stop and oil them up...so I just had to be late to do it
8. My Aunt Frieda died (third Aunt Frieda this month)
7. My other job as a secret agent for the British government prohibits me from telling you why I am late
6. I actually had a date and the only time I she was free was when I was supposed to be here
5. My steering is broke on my car and it will only make left hand turns so I had to drive all the way to the amll to get here
4. These two big bully guys threatened to beat me up unless I gave them all of the change in my pockets, then they made me count to a thousand, and by the time I got finished it was time for me to be here
3. I am pretending I am Chinese so right now I should actually be asleep.
2. Due to the gravitational pull of the Moon upon the Earth and the position in which my watch was located I am always 40 minutes behind.
1. El Nino made me do it
Top Ten Vacation Spots for Losers
10. The International Calculator Convention in beautiful downtown Lincoln, Nebraska.
9. Four fun filled days at your mom's house
8. A personally guided tour through the biggest block of cheese in Osceola, Missouri
7. Seven days, six nights onboard the Blackwater River Queen, Central Missouri's most beautiful and luxurious excursion vessel.
6. Any Star Trek convention.
5. Sunning yourself on the sandy beaches of Clinton.
4. A fantasy vacation, in which you get to be liked and are popular.
3. The 14th Annual Puzzle Day Parade in Chatanooga, Tennessee.
2. The Uno Hall of Fame, featuring seven time World Uno Champion, Marshall Pratsky and his puppet Felix.
1. Three words...Sesame Street Live
Top Ten Great Pumpkin Pet Peaves
10. Whenever on TV has to suck it in because the camera adds 40 pounds.
9. That damn Easter Bunny keeps getting plowed and he has to go bail him out of jail...again.
8. That Martha Stewart woman and all of her recipies for pie.
7. The Tooth Fairy is the President of his local labor union.
6. Santa has his little helpers and his flying reindeer - he doesn't even have any hands.
5. When he was on Springer no one picked a fight with him.
4. His mom keeps calling him her lil' punkin.
3. When the cable goes out during Melrose Place.
2. Whenever he makes his grand entrance at the annual Magical Holiday Being Festival, he trips and falls like a drunk Jerry Lewis.
1. Those horn of plenty pictures make him look fat.
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