Top Ten Action Items from This Year’s Annual Magical Holiday Being Meeting
10. Send an open letter, signed by all committee members, to Tim Allen asking him to stop doing Santa Claus movies.
9. Leave the open bar open during all meetings. It’s just necessary.
8. Invite Jesus back as a guest speaker – he can really hold an audience’s attention, and he does some really cool tricks.
7. Move the spouses’ golf tournament offsite – The tooth fairy’s husband gets all liquored up and ends up embarrassing his wife.
6. Find a meeting site that has facilities for reindeer – Santa refuses to fly commercial.
5. Remind IT to setup a workstation so the Easter Bunny can check his stocks.
4. Make sure the breakfast bar has crispy bacon. The Great Pumpkin loves crispy bacon.
3. Put a ryder in the contract about no pumpkin pies whatsoever!
2. See if we can get a discount on meals since elves aren’t really adult sized and should be charged a kids meal price.
1. Next year’s entertainment. – The Eagles.
Pic O' the Day
Omaha-March-Spring Break-Zoo-Snowstorm-Iowa State Wrestlers kept us up all night...
Friday, December 12, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
Top Ten Things My Dog Would Say to Me if She Spoke English
10. The kitty litter looks a lot more appetizing than it tastes.
9. It’s not funny when the little fat one gets on my back and tries to ride me around like a donkey
8. The cat vomit looks a lot more appetizing than it tastes.
7. I could make number two in the toilet, but it gives me pleasure to see you search for my yard gifts when it’s 10 degrees outside.
6. If I had thumbs I would lock you outside during my supper like you do with me during yours… 5. Please buy a better brand a macaroni and cheese. If I am going to beg at the table it had better be worth it.
4. When you leave for the day, please put the TV on Lifetime Movie Network.
3. It’s not funny when you catch me licking the carpet, I know it’s hilarious to you, but your demon seed spilled their greasy French Fries on the floor and I am just doing what is necessary.
2. I know the neighbors champion Labrador can fetch the newspaper, walk off leash, and say hello, but look how green I made the backyard last spring, I have talents too.
1.
10. The kitty litter looks a lot more appetizing than it tastes.
9. It’s not funny when the little fat one gets on my back and tries to ride me around like a donkey
8. The cat vomit looks a lot more appetizing than it tastes.
7. I could make number two in the toilet, but it gives me pleasure to see you search for my yard gifts when it’s 10 degrees outside.
6. If I had thumbs I would lock you outside during my supper like you do with me during yours… 5. Please buy a better brand a macaroni and cheese. If I am going to beg at the table it had better be worth it.
4. When you leave for the day, please put the TV on Lifetime Movie Network.
3. It’s not funny when you catch me licking the carpet, I know it’s hilarious to you, but your demon seed spilled their greasy French Fries on the floor and I am just doing what is necessary.
2. I know the neighbors champion Labrador can fetch the newspaper, walk off leash, and say hello, but look how green I made the backyard last spring, I have talents too.
1.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
New Out of the Blue Things My Kids Have Said...Out Loud...for Everyone to Hear
10. When are these going to get bigger like yours (my four year old daughter pointing to her chest and talking to me)
9. Why does dad have a magazine about fancy cats
8. I saw Noah in the bathroom and he wasn't sitting down and he was shooting pee into the toilet from his belly
7. I am sending my pee and poop to Heaven. (Because we flushed the dead fish and the dead fish went to Heaven...)
6. Aghhhh!!!! There's a snake in the toilet!! Wait a minute, wait a minute, it's okay, it's not a real snake...it's just a poop snake.
5. This feels like mommy's legs (again, the four year old, at Wal Mart, touching the velcro strap on a backpack.
4. I can't shake your hand because I farted on it while you were talking (said to the pastor at our church).
3. Daddy, is it okay if I pet the fur on your back.
2. How many times can I say god dang it before I get in trouble?
1. Thomas farted and it smells like bacon.
10. When are these going to get bigger like yours (my four year old daughter pointing to her chest and talking to me)
9. Why does dad have a magazine about fancy cats
8. I saw Noah in the bathroom and he wasn't sitting down and he was shooting pee into the toilet from his belly
7. I am sending my pee and poop to Heaven. (Because we flushed the dead fish and the dead fish went to Heaven...)
6. Aghhhh!!!! There's a snake in the toilet!! Wait a minute, wait a minute, it's okay, it's not a real snake...it's just a poop snake.
5. This feels like mommy's legs (again, the four year old, at Wal Mart, touching the velcro strap on a backpack.
4. I can't shake your hand because I farted on it while you were talking (said to the pastor at our church).
3. Daddy, is it okay if I pet the fur on your back.
2. How many times can I say god dang it before I get in trouble?
1. Thomas farted and it smells like bacon.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Friday, October 31, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
Signs my kids might be in a secret society
10. Halloween costumes and costume accessories this year – cloaks, squares, and compasses
9. Wanted to name the fish Opus Dei
8. Keep referring to parade Shriners as “the necessary distraction.”
7. Sold all of their stocks on September 5th with an order to repurchase on November 3rd…Odd.
6. Get incredibly mad at me when I call the movie National Treasure a comedy.
5. During our drive to preschool scrolling through the menu of available songs on the radio my daughter yells NO, NO, NO, ROCK AND ROLL, NO MORE TALKING RADIO. Sorry that’s a sign she will grow up to be a radio program director.
4. Slipped up and called President Bush, President Cheney.
3. Read the classified ads in my wife’s cosmo magazine then make a hushed comment to the dog.
2. Like to watch Dora the Explorer muted.
1. Blank for fear of retribution
10. Halloween costumes and costume accessories this year – cloaks, squares, and compasses
9. Wanted to name the fish Opus Dei
8. Keep referring to parade Shriners as “the necessary distraction.”
7. Sold all of their stocks on September 5th with an order to repurchase on November 3rd…Odd.
6. Get incredibly mad at me when I call the movie National Treasure a comedy.
5. During our drive to preschool scrolling through the menu of available songs on the radio my daughter yells NO, NO, NO, ROCK AND ROLL, NO MORE TALKING RADIO. Sorry that’s a sign she will grow up to be a radio program director.
4. Slipped up and called President Bush, President Cheney.
3. Read the classified ads in my wife’s cosmo magazine then make a hushed comment to the dog.
2. Like to watch Dora the Explorer muted.
1. Blank for fear of retribution
Monday, September 22, 2008
Names of the New 5th Floor Multipurpose Room
The BAR (Big Ass Room)
Mark’s Madness
The Stereo Room (2 of eveything)
Mother of all Ice Machines Room
The Charlie Wear Memorial Conference Room
The holographic deck
The PIP room
The Kevin Volker Editing Room (Shades Drawn)
Kobayashi Maru
Mark’s Madness
The Stereo Room (2 of eveything)
Mother of all Ice Machines Room
The Charlie Wear Memorial Conference Room
The holographic deck
The PIP room
The Kevin Volker Editing Room (Shades Drawn)
Kobayashi Maru
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
Restaurants that are Destined to Fail, Based on Their Name
Buffalo Stink Fingers
Hedgeapplebees
Soupies
Canadian House of Pancakes
Peckers
TGI October’s
Turkey Burger King
Dave and Martha’s
Ruddfuckers
Huggies
Hedgeapplebees
Soupies
Canadian House of Pancakes
Peckers
TGI October’s
Turkey Burger King
Dave and Martha’s
Ruddfuckers
Huggies
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Doctor List
Okay so this is kind of an odd list, but with the latest visits to another physical therapist and for the sake of my sanity, here is a list of doctors and medical specialists my kids have seen more than once.
- Pediatrician
- Neonatologist
- Pediatric Dermatologist
- Pediatric Orthopedic Surgeon
- Pediatric Cardiologist
- Pediatric Ear Nose and Throat Surgeon
- Pediatric Ophthalmology Surgeon
- Pediatric Plastic Surgeon
- Physical Therapist
- Occupational Therapist
- Pediatric Allergist
Friday, August 22, 2008
A New Set of Lists
Indications the Tech Support Center You Called May Not Be Up To Par
First step in the troubleshooting process…Press the turbo button.
When they made a change to your account it was followed by a ZOIKES.
Normal disclaimer phrase that the call may be monitored or recorded replaced with adverstisement for Gold Bond medicated powder.
During the uncomfortable period while waiting for install process to finish, instead of the how’s the weather question, you get poem.
Wants to know if your file is digitally or analogally signed.
Support person keeps referring to your Crisco Switches.
On hold music is the theme to Hogan’s Heroes.
In reading back the process step s the tech decodes acronyms with whatever words they think fit…think MFP
In the background you hear PBR me ASAP
Phrases My Wife Said I Am No Longer Allowed To Say
Then there was this one time…at band camp
That’s Nuckin Futs
Taco Flavored Kisses
Salma Hayek
I’m here to say Hi to some guy named Gene.
First step in the troubleshooting process…Press the turbo button.
When they made a change to your account it was followed by a ZOIKES.
Normal disclaimer phrase that the call may be monitored or recorded replaced with adverstisement for Gold Bond medicated powder.
During the uncomfortable period while waiting for install process to finish, instead of the how’s the weather question, you get poem.
Wants to know if your file is digitally or analogally signed.
Support person keeps referring to your Crisco Switches.
On hold music is the theme to Hogan’s Heroes.
In reading back the process step s the tech decodes acronyms with whatever words they think fit…think MFP
In the background you hear PBR me ASAP
Phrases My Wife Said I Am No Longer Allowed To Say
Then there was this one time…at band camp
That’s Nuckin Futs
Taco Flavored Kisses
Salma Hayek
I’m here to say Hi to some guy named Gene.
Friday, August 8, 2008
I really, really, really want to ride that ride
Olivia wanted to ride the kiddie roller coaster. Here's a picture - below is the movie. Check out the dirty look she shoots me the on the third pass she makes.
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