Random Quotes

Nice lights Clark
Did you just make a reference to a Lifetime movie?
You’re my favorite dad.
Before you read me bedtime stories, you’re going to need to take a shower
Why are the camels making that funny noise…why can’t we stay here and look at the camels?
Thomas put his pee hands all over the skittles!
I want to take my purse to school! – Thomas
Noah, get in line for Santa…Olivia, that is a Santa decoration…Just do it!...Thank you.
Barnacles, Tartar Sauce, Nematodes!
Where are we? Don’t hit the curb. Stop yelling at me! Blah, blah blah. I’m still hungry.

I can just go pee right here in this drain
Number 1 means you have to pee, number 2 means you have to poop, number three means you farted
Why does that elephant have a pink butt.
Oh my God, it smells like rice krispies.
You know what you get if you cross a lion and a tiger? A Liger. You know what you get if you cross a lion and a chicken? A Licken. Ha Ha Ha, a Licken.
The reason I am cold is because I am not covered in fur like you are.
The best thing I like about tacos is no raisens.

Thomas (directed at Olivia) - AAHHHH!
Thomas (directed at Olivia) AHHHH!
Olivia (in Thomas’ face) - UGHH.
Olivia (in Thomas’ face) - UGHHHHH!
Thomas – Olivia touched my jacket.
Olivia – Thomas has his fingers in his mouth.
Kyle – He’s going to give you a wet willie because you touched him, move away from him.
Olivia - Thomas when you grown up you are going to be a Complainer!
Olivia (1 minute pause) - Dad, your job tonight is to clean out the garage so you can park inside and I won’t be cold in the morning!

I only farted two times during dance class today.
Trick or treat, Fore!, Thanks shank-o-potamus.
I want Noah to show me how to…I want Noah to show me how to…poop on the potty!
Dad, why don’t you get up early and stand on the Wii fit so you are not so big around the middle.
I stared at Jayman all day today. He’s nice to stare at.
Dad, I took all of my smurfs out of my bucket so you can have them…I know you like smurfs…(they were nerds)
I don’t think we are supposed to be here.
Huh? What does he get to go to Monkey Business. He doesn’t even know how to play on the stuff there. He’ll probably just play in the water fountain.
I remember the last time I went to your work…it smelled really bad.
That lady across the street…I am giving her a dirty look the next time I see her.



Noah – Quick Olivia give me the bowl…Olivia give me the bowl…dang it Olivia give me the bowl.
G – Ohh, what a cute dog.
Noah - Her name is Daisy…you can pet her because she doesn’t bite – she’s a good dog
Olivia - But she will sniff your butt and she chases squirrels so you need to hide your nuts

October 18th Quotes

1. I can just go pee right here in this drain (said at the zoo).
2. Number 1 means you have to pee, number 2 means you have to poop, number 3 means you farted.
3. Why does that elephant have a pink butt.
4. Oh my God, it smells like rice krispies (commenting on her brother's bowel movement).
5. You know what you get when you cross a lion and a tiger...a liger. You know what you get if you cross a lion and a chicken...a licken. Ha ha ha...a licken.
6. The reason I am cold is because I am not covered in fur like you are.
7. The best thing I like about tacos is no raisins.

More Quotes

I like everything about Kindergarten except there is a lot of coloring
Two kids are named Alex B and they are not even related
Why is the man holding the stop sign always saying it is going to rain
I want to bring Daisy to show and tell, except not the day she eats sloppy joes.
I think I can hold my pee until I take a shower.
I think I would feel much better about eating baloney if you put a Sprite in my lunch box

Running List of Olivia Quotes

These are Olivia quotes, that I am compiling until I have a list large enough to present in a satisfactory manner.

1. WHICH BOY DID NOT FLUSH THE TOILET!!! AND I KNOW IT WAS A BOY WHO DID NOT FLUSH BECAUSE THERE IS DARK PEE IN IT!!!

2. Dad, I threw my shit and look where it landed! (she meant to say shirt, but she mispronounces and it now comes out like shit.)

3. I didn't know that when I decided to fart it would be that loud!

4. Noah, please be quiet!...you are interrupting my donut time.

5. I know, let's have candy for dessert...wait, we can't have candy...Mom ate it all. Hmmph.

6. Dad do you remember when Noah went down the slide at the pool and his crack was showing. Then you asked him to fix the cable. That was funny.

Random Quotes from My Kids or Kids at Camp

• Thomas, I know Dad washed your shoes, but they still smell like corn chips.
• Thomas, your shoes don’t match your purse.
• Noah! It’s not Itsy Bitsy Spider…its Itchy Bitchy Spider. Duh!
• There is no way I can number 2 in that hole, and I can't hold it for 3 days…someone is going to have to drive me into town.
• If you are going into town, can you take me to Subway…the sub sandwich at lunch was really wet.
• Either a raccoon or tarantula peed all over my pillow.
• Hey I know, let’s use your Dad’s duct tape to tape our pocket knives to our walking sticks and then have a spear throwing contest just like the Indians did.
• My uncle got Dutch Elm Disease right before he died.
• Camp kid #1: I’ve got arachnophobia; I need to call my mom! (followed by vomit and associated sounds). Camp kid #2 – 30 seconds later: I knew a girl who had arachnophobia.
• Thomas if you’re going into my room, turn on the fan…I don’t want it to smell like babies.
• You know what would be funny…if our last name was Butterfinger.

More Quotes

• Dad, you know if your hair was blue you would look just like Cookie Monster.
• If we are going on vacation, I would prefer to stay in a hotel, not in an Inn. Inns always seem to have a lot of fires.
• While Mom is on her trip, you are not allowed to use the bathroom.
• People have a lot of blood in their heads...I know this...THOMAS STOP TOUCHING ME!
• That light was yellow...I'm telling on you and you will get in trouble.
• Dad, if you ever are out in the woods, and get attacked by a cougar, make sure you have a dog with you. Cougars are scared of dogs.
• Hey Mom, Miss Cynthia's butt is big and squishy and she walks around like this (walking around with butt sticking out).
• Your breath smells like bacon again.
• I cannot go to sleep until I get a piece of square cheese and some crackers. Square cheese makes me very sleepy (hand waving in a hypnotic motion).

Olivia Isms

Shhh...I am counting to 100 in my head and I need everyone to be quiet.
It's like they're superheroes, except they're wearing helmets.
Mom, if I found a magic fairy wand I would give you straight hair, then I would give the fairy wand back.
No more stories right now! I am watching Sponge Bob in my brain and I need to able to listen!
Qtip can't have kittens because she got fixed like you did.
This is just great...now I am going to be the only kids with glasses sitting at the no nuts table.
Mom, why do you always want to know if it is Friday yet?
Look, I can be just like Miss Danielle. (She has half a cheerio placed over her bottom lip, like a piercing.)
First is worst, second is the best, you are the guy with the hairy chest.
Thomas, I never had a black eye only, only two brown eyes, except for the one time I had pink eye.
I think my favorite present is the fart cusion.

Olivia Only Quotes

Mom made me pay three, but that's okay because I have like a thousand more.
Thomas, if you get in trouble just pay mom three and you don't have to go to time out
Noah, I kicked your door and I only had to pay three and not go to time out.
Dad, tell me the story again of when you gave the cat a bath and she peed all over you and made Noah cry.
Well helloooo there officer hot buns.
If I am going to get into trouble I would like you to take away my red crayon.
Before I can fall asleep, I am going to need my red crayon.
Either Thomas, Noah, or Daisy smell like rotton coffee. I don't know who it isbut it is making me choke.
I think I will eat my beans today so I can get the gas.
Thomas if you touch me again I will take away your microphone!

Another List of Quotes

• This place smells like a truck stop bathroom
• From now on I would like to be called Hollywood
• Thomas is spitting food into the dogs mouth
• If we get a new cat, can we name it Mud Butt?
• My pee and poop were racing to the toilet and my pee won!
• Are chicken nuggets made from dead pigs? No? Barnacles!
• I would like to go Jellyfishing on Saturdays.
• We have to keep the door open because my sister dropped an F-bomb.

Random Quotes

• What do Coyotes eat?
• Bob? BOB? BOOOOBBBBBBBBB!
• Noah, you have to be nice to me. St. Patrick is watching and if you’re not good you won’t get anything from him.
• Do Coyotes eat donuts?
• Ohhh Bob
• Do you remember when we saw the monkeys dancing together and you were laughing really hard, that was so funny because it made you cry laugh. I wish I could cry laugh.
• I want you to paint my ceiling fan pink and I would like it done tomorrow.
• I think I would like to sell donuts when I grow up
• (after using the bathroom). I didn’t push too hard because I want to save my farts for the car ride.
• Is this bacon dead pig or dead turkey?
• Dead pig tastes better.
• Robot, Robot, Robot
• I know my field trip is tomorrow and not today, mom is wrong, and you and I are finally right.
• When I sell donuts I am gonna make like fifty bucks

Another Conversation

O: What the heck! I don’t have as many Kix as THOMAS!
K: You’ve got the same amount as him and you have a yogurt.
O: But we didn’t eat breakfast this morning! I need more Kix.
K: We had to do the long breathing treatments this morning we didn’t have time for breakfast.
O: (slight pause) Thomas, can I have some of your Kix?
O: I want some donuts when we get to school or some Cocoa Puffs.
K: You’re not getting donuts, you had them yesterday, and I don’t have any cocoa puffs.
30 seconds of silence…
O: (singing in a quiet voice). You’re not the boss of me. You’re not the boss of me. I would like Cocoa Puffs please, because you’re not the boss of me.

Conversation

Conversation I had with my daughter this morning.

In the living room:
K: Olivia, please pick up your hat so you can take it to school.
O: I can’t, I need to carry my bear.
K: You have two hands; put your hat in one and the bear in the other.
O: I CAN’T. I HAVE TO HOLD MY BEAR!!
K: Then your bear can stay at home and you can carry your hat.
O: I need to TAKE MY BEAR TO SCHOOL!
K: UGHH! Then put your hat on your head.
O: I CAN’T. It will mess up my hairrrrrr. You carry my hat.
K: I can’t. I am carrying Thomas and the nebulizer, which by the way would be a cool name for a cartoon.
O: OH Barnacles.

In the car in the garage.
K: Olivia, please get in the car.
O: YOU’RE BEING MEAN TO ME!
K: I’m not being mean to you, please pick up your hat off the floor and get in the car.

Buckling her seat belt.
O: YOUR BREATH SMELLS LIKE BACON.
K: Olivia please be quiet.
O: YOU’RE NOT MY BEST FRIEND!

Backing out of the garage.
O: (tiny voice) Can you turn on some rock and roll music. I don’t like the talking radio.
K: Yes, just wait until I back out.
O: TURN IT UP I CAN’T HEAR IT.
K: Olivia, I can’t turn on the CD player until I finish backing out of the garage, Jesus give me a second. Jesus.
O: You’re supposed to say Barnacles.
O: TURN IT UP I CAN’T HEAR IT.
K: Olivia, if you can be quiet until the end of the block I will turn on rock and roll.
O: Thomas is looking at me.
K: He wants to know why you are having a meltdown.

Driving down the street.
10 seconds of silence and not at the end of the block.
O: Did you bring a yogurt for me?
K: Yes.
O: And a piece of cheese?
K: Yes.
O: Can I have them.
K: Not until you get to school.
O: Barnacles.

Things Punxsutawney Phil Would Like to See Instead of His Shadow

He would like to see...

10. ...a Guns n Roses reunion with the original lineup, except leave out Stephen Adler because that guy is a train wreck .
9. ...his dog to stay off the couch!
8. ...Junior Mints sponsoring Dale Jr. C'mon, no marketing genius has got this deal done yet?
7. ...the Eagles before they die (this was at the suggestion of Mrs. Punxsutawney Phil )
6. ...his Coke reward points balance to be 6000 points so he can get the inflatable rubber raft that says Catch the Wave.
5. ...plastic lightsaber duels as an Olympic event
4. ...credit on IMDB for his cameo role in Live Free or Die Hard
3. ...the bottom half of the track suit to match the top half of the one his mother in law gave him for Christmas this year.
2. ...435 between Metcalf and Quivira widened to 24 lanes.
1. ...the lunch menu on the homepage of Lockcast.