Doctor List

Okay so this is kind of an odd list, but with the latest visits to another physical therapist and for the sake of my sanity, here is a list of doctors and medical specialists my kids have seen more than once.

• Pediatrician
• Neonatologist
• Pediatric Dermatologist
• Pediatric Orthopedic Surgeon
• Pediatric Cardiologist
• Pediatric Ear Nose and Throat Surgeon
• Pediatric Ophthalmology Surgeon
• Pediatric Plastic Surgeon
• Physical Therapist
• Occupational Therapist
• Pediatric Allergist

A New Set of Lists

Indications the Tech Support Center You Called May Not Be Up To Par

First step in the troubleshooting process…Press the turbo button.
When they made a change to your account it was followed by a ZOIKES.
Normal disclaimer phrase that the call may be monitored or recorded replaced with adverstisement for Gold Bond medicated powder.
During the uncomfortable period while waiting for install process to finish, instead of the how’s the weather question, you get poem.
Wants to know if your file is digitally or analogally signed.
Support person keeps referring to your Crisco Switches.
On hold music is the theme to Hogan’s Heroes.
In reading back the process step s the tech decodes acronyms with whatever words they think fit…think MFP
In the background you hear PBR me ASAP

Phrases My Wife Said I Am No Longer Allowed To Say

Then there was this one time…at band camp
That’s Nuckin Futs
Taco Flavored Kisses
Salma Hayek
I’m here to say Hi to some guy named Gene.

I really, really, really want to ride that ride

Olivia wanted to ride the kiddie roller coaster. Here's a picture - below is the movie. Check out the dirty look she shoots me the on the third pass she makes.

Top Ten Good Things about Being in IT

Ok, so it's not ten...yet, but here it is so far.

10. The ability to work the word virtual into any conversation
9. Cat 6 print camo renders us virtually invisible
8. Blank stare you get from your kids when you inform them of the weekend infrastructure changes to their rooms
7. Right before the start of street fight, remind your opponent that it’s no coincidence Mr. T’s initials on the A Team were B.A.
6. Canadian donut Friday’s
5. Inside giggle we get when spellcheck suggests PMS for CMS.
4.
3.
2.
1.

These are two of the brood on the train at the zoo.














This is the one who did not stay awake.

Top Ten Out-of-The Blue Things My Kids Have Said While Riding in the Car

These are a random list of things my kids have blurted out or said for no apparent reason while riding in the car. Here they are:

10. Can I have a piece of cheese?
9. I wish I had a dinosaur.
8. What’s 19 plus 42? (a question from the 4 year old)
7. Great, now it’s going to smell like old people.
6. I’m not going to get married, I’m just going to live with my cats
5. I am telling the people next to us to slow down (middle finger displayed to all of the cars next to us)
4. Thomas’ feet smell like corn chips
3. This is definitely not the way to Chuck E Cheese.
2. Shit Fire
1. I forgot to put on underpants

Words I Have Just Made Up

Flamoffagil
Paradiddle
Raddamickhue
Bas

New Lists - Just Not Necessarily Ten

Useless College Degrees or Progressive Rock Album Titles

Professional Nanny
Animal Husbandry
Turfgrass Management
Paper Science
Unorthodox Behavior


Tool kit of a World Class Carny

Mirrored, fold-up, sunglasses
Creepy squint
Tango and Cash screen print t-shirt
Liberal use of the word…Chief
Tattoo of a sock monkey

Nicknames I Have Been Assigned Over the Years

Bodie
Bodee
Psycho
PK
Stab
Stabber
Stabby
Pete
Stab-a-rific
Killer

Top Ten Lists

Top Ten Excuses or Really Good Explanations

10. My dog at my car
9 . This big giant bus full of bikini models wanted me to stop and oil them up...so I just had to be late to do it
8. My Aunt Frieda died (third Aunt Frieda this month)
7. My other job as a secret agent for the British government prohibits me from telling you why I am late
6. I actually had a date and the only time I she was free was when I was supposed to be here
5. My steering is broke on my car and it will only make left hand turns so I had to drive all the way to the amll to get here
4. These two big bully guys threatened to beat me up unless I gave them all of the change in my pockets, then they made me count to a thousand, and by the time I got finished it was time for me to be here
3. I am pretending I am Chinese so right now I should actually be asleep.
2. Due to the gravitational pull of the Moon upon the Earth and the position in which my watch was located I am always 40 minutes behind.
1. El Nino made me do it

Top Ten Vacation Spots for Losers

10. The International Calculator Convention in beautiful downtown Lincoln, Nebraska.
9. Four fun filled days at your mom's house
8. A personally guided tour through the biggest block of cheese in Osceola, Missouri
7. Seven days, six nights onboard the Blackwater River Queen, Central Missouri's most beautiful and luxurious excursion vessel.
6. Any Star Trek convention.
5. Sunning yourself on the sandy beaches of Clinton.
4. A fantasy vacation, in which you get to be liked and are popular.
3. The 14th Annual Puzzle Day Parade in Chatanooga, Tennessee.
2. The Uno Hall of Fame, featuring seven time World Uno Champion, Marshall Pratsky and his puppet Felix.
1. Three words...Sesame Street Live


Top Ten Great Pumpkin Pet Peaves

10. Whenever on TV has to suck it in because the camera adds 40 pounds.
9. That damn Easter Bunny keeps getting plowed and he has to go bail him out of jail...again.
8. That Martha Stewart woman and all of her recipies for pie.
7. The Tooth Fairy is the President of his local labor union.
6. Santa has his little helpers and his flying reindeer - he doesn't even have any hands.
5. When he was on Springer no one picked a fight with him.
4. His mom keeps calling him her lil' punkin.
3. When the cable goes out during Melrose Place.
2. Whenever he makes his grand entrance at the annual Magical Holiday Being Festival, he trips and falls like a drunk Jerry Lewis.
1. Those horn of plenty pictures make him look fat.