Richard Goes on Vacation

Thomas Makes His Move as King of the Quote Hill

We can’t fly on a plane, we don’t have one.
Bob did it (Thomas when answering the question “who pooped on the floor?” and Bob is his stuffed animal bear)
I’ll have the steak.
I am blocking my poop with my penis
Dad, why do you have fur on your arms?
Umm, where’s my Mike and Ike’s…I went poop today also and didn’t do it in my pants!

The Queen of Quotes

Hey Dad, we saw this thing on TV you point at your dogs and cats to keep them off the counters and out of the trash. We should get one of those for Thomas.

Beep, beep, beep, beep...(Thomas walking backwards)...I'm a trash truck....beep, beep, beep.

I hope no one else gets on this elevator or they are going to smell the fart I just made.

No one told me that camp was going to be outside the whole time...what I am supposed to do about all of the bugs? Just stand there and scream until someone helps me!!?

Thomas, you know you put your fingers in your mouth and you've been digging in the trash can, so basically you're eating trash, which means you're a trash baby.

Mr. Barry said he was a Jonas Brother, but they didn't want him in the band because he can only play the ukulele. And by the way, I want you to make me a CD of Justin Bieber songs right now.

That lady right there needs to pull her pants out of her crack, you can totally tell where her butt crack is at.

You know what, I am pretty much over needing to ride the carousel at the mall, but you can still take me to build a bear.

Who wants to touch my poopy bottom? Who wants to touch it?

Oh my God, Thomas' room totally smells like old tacos.

Quote-a-rama

Short list, but still a list...enjoy...

You wanna know what? I saved this poop in my bottom until we got home because I did not want to poop in the pool during swim lessons and make everybody get out.

Mommy fell how smooth the water made my bottom.

Dad, I got thirsty during swim lessons so I drank some of the dirty pool water...shhhh, don't tell Mom that I did that because she might get freaked out. Ohh, and one of my band-aids came off.

Thomas, it's best if you don't talk to me right now, because I am very tired and crabby and if you talk to me I AM GOING TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE!!

Dad, I'm sorry the pool penguin pulled the fur off your back. If it will make you fell better I'll stick it back on you.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

• Who's Calgon?
• Do we really have a roof robot?
• I'm going to tell you a secret...Mom would like a ...(goes into another room, and comes back in) a Sealpoint Siamese cat for your anniversary.
• I got a fart monkey in my bottom
• Sitting in time out is for babies, and if you're bad you have to sit in time out, and if you're bad again you get a spanking (as sung by an out-of-tune 3 year old and played on a Casio keyboard)
• Thomas, this is our baby sitter, she's here because mom and dad are going out to eat food without us...it's called a date...one day you might go out on a date with a girl...If you stop pooping in your pants!
• I can't believe I got fart box for my birthday...Aunt Chrissy really knows what makes me happy!
• Mom, we were at the pool and Noah did not want to play with me, all he did was stare as some girls whose swimming suits did not fit.

All Olivia Quotes

Cinderella needs a good lawyer
Thomas was on the potty and pee was coming out like he was a fire hose…it was crazy
Put your book down and start rubbing my feet with both hands and keep doing it til I tell you to stop…
Can you write Mrs. Davis a note and tell her I don’t eat green eggs and ham and could you sign it Sam I am…ha ha ha, that was funny.
I wish the first crossing guard would come back, he at least pushed the button…do I have to do everything for this guy?
Guys, guys, guys, listen to me please…here is a good deal for you. I will brush my teeth for two minutes every day and at the end of the week you will take me to build a bear.
Papa, at Noah’s basketball game, his team got beat by a bunch of second graders…and they were all really little…I promised him not to tell you, but he won’t let me play under his bed, so I won’t keep my promise.
Here’s what I would like to have at my birthday party…The thing you hit that’s full of candy…nut free candy, a bean bag toss, pin the tail on a cardboard donkey, a swimming pool, and a stage…ohh, and Thomas said he would like a rocket ship.

Quote-a-Rama

A whole new long list of quotes, since I am not able to copy and paste once a week.


Hold this for me while I fart.
I can’t play the quiet game because I need to tell you I want chocolate birthday cake for desert
We need a house with three garage doors, one for mom’s van, one for your car, and one for all your junk.
It still smells like macaroni and throw up in here.
Daisy, get off me you are covered in macaroni throw up.
Thomas, next time try not to throw up on Daisy.
Dad, when you back out make sure you don’t run over Thomas’ macaroni throw up.
You’re walking to fast for me! Do I look like my legs are 10 feet long?
Santa, you really shouldn’t hold him close to your face ‘cause he’s got reflux and last night was not good.
Hi Nana, I can’t talk right now because I threw up in my sponge bob trash can and now it’s full of pieces of square cheese.
I’m staying home today because last night I threw up and when I farted a little pooh came out.
What was in your throw up Mom?
This is like an episode of Seinfeld…I haven’t thrown up in seven years.

Yuck, who stinks like big businessI’ve got a lot of responsibilities. You know, I’ve got the quite the DVD collection, and my DVD player is busted
I’ve looked over my list of chores and I agree with everything except helping with kitty litter…that’s a job for PARENTS!
We’re going to need to get a new couch before my birthday party. My friends aren’t going to want to sit on that thing!
My job is to be the organizer…I help people get organized.
I don’t think the stop sign guy knows what he is doing. Maybe he needs to go back to stop sign school. That’s what mom told me.
Okay, here’s a good deal for you to consider. I’ll take a taste of my broccoli and if I don’t like it, I still get cake, but Noah has to eat all of his because he’s bigger.
I wanna lift it up…I wanna lift it up! I can’t lift this…I’m just little.
I’ve invented a new game. It’s called “you go get me what I want.” Then you get a prize. The first player…Noah…go get me my Marie.
Thomas, you don’t like the yellow skittles (jedi motion across his face)
Question: Thomas how old are you? Answer: Good.

What’s that smell? Is Mom eating popcorn? You get downstairs and tell her to finish eating and get to bed!
Thomas, it’s very important that you do not out of bed and no making noise! If you are making noise and Santa does not come, I will be very angry with you.
Noah, you heard what I told Thomas…the same goes for you!
Thomas, you know if you pretend to cry like a baby it means you probably smell like a baby.
You know what I’d really like to see…a beaver.
Four candy canes! Four…Really…oh man Santa you outdid yourself this time!
Mom, what does my Buzz Lightyear do?...Wait a minute, where’s my Diego?
Hey I know let’s see who can fart the most. I win!
Hey, everybody be quiet while I “sit down on this cushion”
Hey Nana, come and sit down right by me on this cushion. - Ha ha ha ha, Nana if you are going to pass the gas you need to say excuse me.
Thomas, jump through my hula hoop like you are a tiger.
Thomas, stop with the poops in your pants and go on the potty so I get 10 skittles.
Mom, I am going to whisper this to you and not Dad, but if he gets a little more thin around the middle I will give him all the candy I cannot have.
Paw paw, you pick up all my stuff and take it out to the van!
Holy moley that is the biggest pancake I have ever seen…Noah if you have some leftover pancake that did not touch your T, I’ll finish it.
Thomas, keep your booger hands away from my T.

Is he taking the medicine that makes him all goofy
When you went to the store, Papa came over and said you need to clean the ice off the goddamn driveway. He said goddamn like 5 times!
This is my older brother Noah, and this is my younger brother Thomas…he’s a bucket head.
Just to let everyone know I farted, but I am holding it in my pants so it doesn’t stink up the van.
Whoa!, we’ve got a whole nother room in the basement…why didn’t anyone tell me.

Thomas, I have a new game…It’s called The Bird and the Boy. I’ll be the bird and you be the boy…all you have to do is sit there and not move.
Make me a big sign that says “Mom, don’t mess up the shoes…”
Only some people in my family can hula hoop – Madison Chopp
I don’t like these pillows! (followed by tossing them over the back of the couch into the people behind him)
Daisy, I’m sorry you can’t have my pizza bones…you’re getting kinda big
Just put my chocolate milk in the bag...last time, I carried it in the car, I spilled it and now the car smells like babies.
I’m gonna ride a monkey.
I want more cereal, I want my Bob, I’d like a unicorn…one with wings…

Can I play some p-station? Ha ha ha p-station, good thing it’s not a dump station.
I’ve made a Build a Bear chart, and I have nine marks and Noah and Thomas you only have one…guess I will be the only one going to Build a Bear. You guys will just have to stand outside and watch.
Mmmm Qtip smells like popcorn
Dad here’s 50 cents…go and vacuum your car out.
This year I would like my birthday party to be over the top
Here’s what I had to eat today, waffles, a piece of cheese, yogurt, chips, carrots, spaghetti o’s, a butter sandwich, crackers, a banana, string cheese, a fruit bar, another banana, applesauce, tacos, corn, …I’m still hungry, what do we have to eat?
The best thing about Valentine’s Day…root beer dum dums
You know Thomas is named after a president…the one with the white curly hair.
No wonderscope, no library, why is the only place open today Sam’s Club and this place with all the dead animals, why are we looking at dead deer, they all look the same. This is the worst day off ever!
I would like to get a starfish for our next pet.
The next babysitter we get needs to like puzzles and not talk on the phone the whole time, but she did let Noah and I wrestle and I didn’t even get in trouble when I hit him in the privates.

My last name is not Bodenstab it’s Rockpaperscissors
Oh my God, what stinks in here (Laura)…It was Olivia she farted in the bathtub (Noah)…HA HA HA it was making bubbles (Thomas)
You know what, when I grow up I would like to be an ice dancer and a parachute maker.
Thomas is licking the shopping cart!
Three things I want to buy with the Christmas money…another squirrel call, a John Cena belt buckle, and some root beer at Sam’s Club
I brushed my teeth for two minutes tonight…Did you? Blow some air in my face and let me see…Doesn’t smell like it.
Olivia stop touching me or I am going to use angry words at you!

Random Quotes

Nice lights Clark
Did you just make a reference to a Lifetime movie?
You’re my favorite dad.
Before you read me bedtime stories, you’re going to need to take a shower
Why are the camels making that funny noise…why can’t we stay here and look at the camels?
Thomas put his pee hands all over the skittles!
I want to take my purse to school! – Thomas
Noah, get in line for Santa…Olivia, that is a Santa decoration…Just do it!...Thank you.
Barnacles, Tartar Sauce, Nematodes!
Where are we? Don’t hit the curb. Stop yelling at me! Blah, blah blah. I’m still hungry.

I can just go pee right here in this drain
Number 1 means you have to pee, number 2 means you have to poop, number three means you farted
Why does that elephant have a pink butt.
Oh my God, it smells like rice krispies.
You know what you get if you cross a lion and a tiger? A Liger. You know what you get if you cross a lion and a chicken? A Licken. Ha Ha Ha, a Licken.
The reason I am cold is because I am not covered in fur like you are.
The best thing I like about tacos is no raisens.

Thomas (directed at Olivia) - AAHHHH!
Thomas (directed at Olivia) AHHHH!
Olivia (in Thomas’ face) - UGHH.
Olivia (in Thomas’ face) - UGHHHHH!
Thomas – Olivia touched my jacket.
Olivia – Thomas has his fingers in his mouth.
Kyle – He’s going to give you a wet willie because you touched him, move away from him.
Olivia - Thomas when you grown up you are going to be a Complainer!
Olivia (1 minute pause) - Dad, your job tonight is to clean out the garage so you can park inside and I won’t be cold in the morning!

I only farted two times during dance class today.
Trick or treat, Fore!, Thanks shank-o-potamus.
I want Noah to show me how to…I want Noah to show me how to…poop on the potty!
Dad, why don’t you get up early and stand on the Wii fit so you are not so big around the middle.
I stared at Jayman all day today. He’s nice to stare at.
Dad, I took all of my smurfs out of my bucket so you can have them…I know you like smurfs…(they were nerds)
I don’t think we are supposed to be here.
Huh? What does he get to go to Monkey Business. He doesn’t even know how to play on the stuff there. He’ll probably just play in the water fountain.
I remember the last time I went to your work…it smelled really bad.
That lady across the street…I am giving her a dirty look the next time I see her.



Noah – Quick Olivia give me the bowl…Olivia give me the bowl…dang it Olivia give me the bowl.
G – Ohh, what a cute dog.
Noah - Her name is Daisy…you can pet her because she doesn’t bite – she’s a good dog
Olivia - But she will sniff your butt and she chases squirrels so you need to hide your nuts

October 18th Quotes

1. I can just go pee right here in this drain (said at the zoo).
2. Number 1 means you have to pee, number 2 means you have to poop, number 3 means you farted.
3. Why does that elephant have a pink butt.
4. Oh my God, it smells like rice krispies (commenting on her brother's bowel movement).
5. You know what you get when you cross a lion and a tiger...a liger. You know what you get if you cross a lion and a chicken...a licken. Ha ha ha...a licken.
6. The reason I am cold is because I am not covered in fur like you are.
7. The best thing I like about tacos is no raisins.

More Quotes

I like everything about Kindergarten except there is a lot of coloring
Two kids are named Alex B and they are not even related
Why is the man holding the stop sign always saying it is going to rain
I want to bring Daisy to show and tell, except not the day she eats sloppy joes.
I think I can hold my pee until I take a shower.
I think I would feel much better about eating baloney if you put a Sprite in my lunch box

Running List of Olivia Quotes

These are Olivia quotes, that I am compiling until I have a list large enough to present in a satisfactory manner.

1. WHICH BOY DID NOT FLUSH THE TOILET!!! AND I KNOW IT WAS A BOY WHO DID NOT FLUSH BECAUSE THERE IS DARK PEE IN IT!!!

2. Dad, I threw my shit and look where it landed! (she meant to say shirt, but she mispronounces and it now comes out like shit.)

3. I didn't know that when I decided to fart it would be that loud!

4. Noah, please be quiet!...you are interrupting my donut time.

5. I know, let's have candy for dessert...wait, we can't have candy...Mom ate it all. Hmmph.

6. Dad do you remember when Noah went down the slide at the pool and his crack was showing. Then you asked him to fix the cable. That was funny.

Random Quotes from My Kids or Kids at Camp

• Thomas, I know Dad washed your shoes, but they still smell like corn chips.
• Thomas, your shoes don’t match your purse.
• Noah! It’s not Itsy Bitsy Spider…its Itchy Bitchy Spider. Duh!
• There is no way I can number 2 in that hole, and I can't hold it for 3 days…someone is going to have to drive me into town.
• If you are going into town, can you take me to Subway…the sub sandwich at lunch was really wet.
• Either a raccoon or tarantula peed all over my pillow.
• Hey I know, let’s use your Dad’s duct tape to tape our pocket knives to our walking sticks and then have a spear throwing contest just like the Indians did.
• My uncle got Dutch Elm Disease right before he died.
• Camp kid #1: I’ve got arachnophobia; I need to call my mom! (followed by vomit and associated sounds). Camp kid #2 – 30 seconds later: I knew a girl who had arachnophobia.
• Thomas if you’re going into my room, turn on the fan…I don’t want it to smell like babies.
• You know what would be funny…if our last name was Butterfinger.

More Quotes

• Dad, you know if your hair was blue you would look just like Cookie Monster.
• If we are going on vacation, I would prefer to stay in a hotel, not in an Inn. Inns always seem to have a lot of fires.
• While Mom is on her trip, you are not allowed to use the bathroom.
• People have a lot of blood in their heads...I know this...THOMAS STOP TOUCHING ME!
• That light was yellow...I'm telling on you and you will get in trouble.
• Dad, if you ever are out in the woods, and get attacked by a cougar, make sure you have a dog with you. Cougars are scared of dogs.
• Hey Mom, Miss Cynthia's butt is big and squishy and she walks around like this (walking around with butt sticking out).
• Your breath smells like bacon again.
• I cannot go to sleep until I get a piece of square cheese and some crackers. Square cheese makes me very sleepy (hand waving in a hypnotic motion).

Olivia Isms

Shhh...I am counting to 100 in my head and I need everyone to be quiet.
It's like they're superheroes, except they're wearing helmets.
Mom, if I found a magic fairy wand I would give you straight hair, then I would give the fairy wand back.
No more stories right now! I am watching Sponge Bob in my brain and I need to able to listen!
Qtip can't have kittens because she got fixed like you did.
This is just great...now I am going to be the only kids with glasses sitting at the no nuts table.
Mom, why do you always want to know if it is Friday yet?
Look, I can be just like Miss Danielle. (She has half a cheerio placed over her bottom lip, like a piercing.)
First is worst, second is the best, you are the guy with the hairy chest.
Thomas, I never had a black eye only, only two brown eyes, except for the one time I had pink eye.
I think my favorite present is the fart cusion.

Olivia Only Quotes

Mom made me pay three, but that's okay because I have like a thousand more.
Thomas, if you get in trouble just pay mom three and you don't have to go to time out
Noah, I kicked your door and I only had to pay three and not go to time out.
Dad, tell me the story again of when you gave the cat a bath and she peed all over you and made Noah cry.
Well helloooo there officer hot buns.
If I am going to get into trouble I would like you to take away my red crayon.
Before I can fall asleep, I am going to need my red crayon.
Either Thomas, Noah, or Daisy smell like rotton coffee. I don't know who it isbut it is making me choke.
I think I will eat my beans today so I can get the gas.
Thomas if you touch me again I will take away your microphone!

Another List of Quotes

• This place smells like a truck stop bathroom
• From now on I would like to be called Hollywood
• Thomas is spitting food into the dogs mouth
• If we get a new cat, can we name it Mud Butt?
• My pee and poop were racing to the toilet and my pee won!
• Are chicken nuggets made from dead pigs? No? Barnacles!
• I would like to go Jellyfishing on Saturdays.
• We have to keep the door open because my sister dropped an F-bomb.

Random Quotes

• What do Coyotes eat?
• Bob? BOB? BOOOOBBBBBBBBB!
• Noah, you have to be nice to me. St. Patrick is watching and if you’re not good you won’t get anything from him.
• Do Coyotes eat donuts?
• Ohhh Bob
• Do you remember when we saw the monkeys dancing together and you were laughing really hard, that was so funny because it made you cry laugh. I wish I could cry laugh.
• I want you to paint my ceiling fan pink and I would like it done tomorrow.
• I think I would like to sell donuts when I grow up
• (after using the bathroom). I didn’t push too hard because I want to save my farts for the car ride.
• Is this bacon dead pig or dead turkey?
• Dead pig tastes better.
• Robot, Robot, Robot
• I know my field trip is tomorrow and not today, mom is wrong, and you and I are finally right.
• When I sell donuts I am gonna make like fifty bucks

Another Conversation

O: What the heck! I don’t have as many Kix as THOMAS!
K: You’ve got the same amount as him and you have a yogurt.
O: But we didn’t eat breakfast this morning! I need more Kix.
K: We had to do the long breathing treatments this morning we didn’t have time for breakfast.
O: (slight pause) Thomas, can I have some of your Kix?
O: I want some donuts when we get to school or some Cocoa Puffs.
K: You’re not getting donuts, you had them yesterday, and I don’t have any cocoa puffs.
30 seconds of silence…
O: (singing in a quiet voice). You’re not the boss of me. You’re not the boss of me. I would like Cocoa Puffs please, because you’re not the boss of me.

Conversation

Conversation I had with my daughter this morning.

In the living room:
K: Olivia, please pick up your hat so you can take it to school.
O: I can’t, I need to carry my bear.
K: You have two hands; put your hat in one and the bear in the other.
O: I CAN’T. I HAVE TO HOLD MY BEAR!!
K: Then your bear can stay at home and you can carry your hat.
O: I need to TAKE MY BEAR TO SCHOOL!
K: UGHH! Then put your hat on your head.
O: I CAN’T. It will mess up my hairrrrrr. You carry my hat.
K: I can’t. I am carrying Thomas and the nebulizer, which by the way would be a cool name for a cartoon.
O: OH Barnacles.

In the car in the garage.
K: Olivia, please get in the car.
O: YOU’RE BEING MEAN TO ME!
K: I’m not being mean to you, please pick up your hat off the floor and get in the car.

Buckling her seat belt.
O: YOUR BREATH SMELLS LIKE BACON.
K: Olivia please be quiet.
O: YOU’RE NOT MY BEST FRIEND!

Backing out of the garage.
O: (tiny voice) Can you turn on some rock and roll music. I don’t like the talking radio.
K: Yes, just wait until I back out.
O: TURN IT UP I CAN’T HEAR IT.
K: Olivia, I can’t turn on the CD player until I finish backing out of the garage, Jesus give me a second. Jesus.
O: You’re supposed to say Barnacles.
O: TURN IT UP I CAN’T HEAR IT.
K: Olivia, if you can be quiet until the end of the block I will turn on rock and roll.
O: Thomas is looking at me.
K: He wants to know why you are having a meltdown.

Driving down the street.
10 seconds of silence and not at the end of the block.
O: Did you bring a yogurt for me?
K: Yes.
O: And a piece of cheese?
K: Yes.
O: Can I have them.
K: Not until you get to school.
O: Barnacles.

Things Punxsutawney Phil Would Like to See Instead of His Shadow

He would like to see...

10. ...a Guns n Roses reunion with the original lineup, except leave out Stephen Adler because that guy is a train wreck .
9. ...his dog to stay off the couch!
8. ...Junior Mints sponsoring Dale Jr. C'mon, no marketing genius has got this deal done yet?
7. ...the Eagles before they die (this was at the suggestion of Mrs. Punxsutawney Phil )
6. ...his Coke reward points balance to be 6000 points so he can get the inflatable rubber raft that says Catch the Wave.
5. ...plastic lightsaber duels as an Olympic event
4. ...credit on IMDB for his cameo role in Live Free or Die Hard
3. ...the bottom half of the track suit to match the top half of the one his mother in law gave him for Christmas this year.
2. ...435 between Metcalf and Quivira widened to 24 lanes.
1. ...the lunch menu on the homepage of Lockcast.