Another List of Quotes

• This place smells like a truck stop bathroom
• From now on I would like to be called Hollywood
• Thomas is spitting food into the dogs mouth
• If we get a new cat, can we name it Mud Butt?
• My pee and poop were racing to the toilet and my pee won!
• Are chicken nuggets made from dead pigs? No? Barnacles!
• I would like to go Jellyfishing on Saturdays.
• We have to keep the door open because my sister dropped an F-bomb.

Random Quotes

• What do Coyotes eat?
• Bob? BOB? BOOOOBBBBBBBBB!
• Noah, you have to be nice to me. St. Patrick is watching and if you’re not good you won’t get anything from him.
• Do Coyotes eat donuts?
• Ohhh Bob
• Do you remember when we saw the monkeys dancing together and you were laughing really hard, that was so funny because it made you cry laugh. I wish I could cry laugh.
• I want you to paint my ceiling fan pink and I would like it done tomorrow.
• I think I would like to sell donuts when I grow up
• (after using the bathroom). I didn’t push too hard because I want to save my farts for the car ride.
• Is this bacon dead pig or dead turkey?
• Dead pig tastes better.
• Robot, Robot, Robot
• I know my field trip is tomorrow and not today, mom is wrong, and you and I are finally right.
• When I sell donuts I am gonna make like fifty bucks

Another Conversation

O: What the heck! I don’t have as many Kix as THOMAS!
K: You’ve got the same amount as him and you have a yogurt.
O: But we didn’t eat breakfast this morning! I need more Kix.
K: We had to do the long breathing treatments this morning we didn’t have time for breakfast.
O: (slight pause) Thomas, can I have some of your Kix?
O: I want some donuts when we get to school or some Cocoa Puffs.
K: You’re not getting donuts, you had them yesterday, and I don’t have any cocoa puffs.
30 seconds of silence…
O: (singing in a quiet voice). You’re not the boss of me. You’re not the boss of me. I would like Cocoa Puffs please, because you’re not the boss of me.

Conversation

Conversation I had with my daughter this morning.

In the living room:
K: Olivia, please pick up your hat so you can take it to school.
O: I can’t, I need to carry my bear.
K: You have two hands; put your hat in one and the bear in the other.
O: I CAN’T. I HAVE TO HOLD MY BEAR!!
K: Then your bear can stay at home and you can carry your hat.
O: I need to TAKE MY BEAR TO SCHOOL!
K: UGHH! Then put your hat on your head.
O: I CAN’T. It will mess up my hairrrrrr. You carry my hat.
K: I can’t. I am carrying Thomas and the nebulizer, which by the way would be a cool name for a cartoon.
O: OH Barnacles.

In the car in the garage.
K: Olivia, please get in the car.
O: YOU’RE BEING MEAN TO ME!
K: I’m not being mean to you, please pick up your hat off the floor and get in the car.

Buckling her seat belt.
O: YOUR BREATH SMELLS LIKE BACON.
K: Olivia please be quiet.
O: YOU’RE NOT MY BEST FRIEND!

Backing out of the garage.
O: (tiny voice) Can you turn on some rock and roll music. I don’t like the talking radio.
K: Yes, just wait until I back out.
O: TURN IT UP I CAN’T HEAR IT.
K: Olivia, I can’t turn on the CD player until I finish backing out of the garage, Jesus give me a second. Jesus.
O: You’re supposed to say Barnacles.
O: TURN IT UP I CAN’T HEAR IT.
K: Olivia, if you can be quiet until the end of the block I will turn on rock and roll.
O: Thomas is looking at me.
K: He wants to know why you are having a meltdown.

Driving down the street.
10 seconds of silence and not at the end of the block.
O: Did you bring a yogurt for me?
K: Yes.
O: And a piece of cheese?
K: Yes.
O: Can I have them.
K: Not until you get to school.
O: Barnacles.

Things Punxsutawney Phil Would Like to See Instead of His Shadow

He would like to see...

10. ...a Guns n Roses reunion with the original lineup, except leave out Stephen Adler because that guy is a train wreck .
9. ...his dog to stay off the couch!
8. ...Junior Mints sponsoring Dale Jr. C'mon, no marketing genius has got this deal done yet?
7. ...the Eagles before they die (this was at the suggestion of Mrs. Punxsutawney Phil )
6. ...his Coke reward points balance to be 6000 points so he can get the inflatable rubber raft that says Catch the Wave.
5. ...plastic lightsaber duels as an Olympic event
4. ...credit on IMDB for his cameo role in Live Free or Die Hard
3. ...the bottom half of the track suit to match the top half of the one his mother in law gave him for Christmas this year.
2. ...435 between Metcalf and Quivira widened to 24 lanes.
1. ...the lunch menu on the homepage of Lockcast.

Top Ten Action Items from This Year’s Annual Magical Holiday Being Meeting
10. Send an open letter, signed by all committee members, to Tim Allen asking him to stop doing Santa Claus movies.
9. Leave the open bar open during all meetings. It’s just necessary.
8. Invite Jesus back as a guest speaker – he can really hold an audience’s attention, and he does some really cool tricks.
7. Move the spouses’ golf tournament offsite – The tooth fairy’s husband gets all liquored up and ends up embarrassing his wife.
6. Find a meeting site that has facilities for reindeer – Santa refuses to fly commercial.
5. Remind IT to setup a workstation so the Easter Bunny can check his stocks.
4. Make sure the breakfast bar has crispy bacon. The Great Pumpkin loves crispy bacon.
3. Put a ryder in the contract about no pumpkin pies whatsoever!
2. See if we can get a discount on meals since elves aren’t really adult sized and should be charged a kids meal price.
1. Next year’s entertainment. – The Eagles.

Top Ten Things My Dog Would Say to Me if She Spoke English
10. The kitty litter looks a lot more appetizing than it tastes.
9. It’s not funny when the little fat one gets on my back and tries to ride me around like a donkey
8. The cat vomit looks a lot more appetizing than it tastes.
7. I could make number two in the toilet, but it gives me pleasure to see you search for my yard gifts when it’s 10 degrees outside.
6. If I had thumbs I would lock you outside during my supper like you do with me during yours… 5. Please buy a better brand a macaroni and cheese. If I am going to beg at the table it had better be worth it.
4. When you leave for the day, please put the TV on Lifetime Movie Network.
3. It’s not funny when you catch me licking the carpet, I know it’s hilarious to you, but your demon seed spilled their greasy French Fries on the floor and I am just doing what is necessary.
2. I know the neighbors champion Labrador can fetch the newspaper, walk off leash, and say hello, but look how green I made the backyard last spring, I have talents too.
1.

New Out of the Blue Things My Kids Have Said...Out Loud...for Everyone to Hear

10. When are these going to get bigger like yours (my four year old daughter pointing to her chest and talking to me)
9. Why does dad have a magazine about fancy cats
8. I saw Noah in the bathroom and he wasn't sitting down and he was shooting pee into the toilet from his belly
7. I am sending my pee and poop to Heaven. (Because we flushed the dead fish and the dead fish went to Heaven...)
6. Aghhhh!!!! There's a snake in the toilet!! Wait a minute, wait a minute, it's okay, it's not a real snake...it's just a poop snake.
5. This feels like mommy's legs (again, the four year old, at Wal Mart, touching the velcro strap on a backpack.
4. I can't shake your hand because I farted on it while you were talking (said to the pastor at our church).
3. Daddy, is it okay if I pet the fur on your back.
2. How many times can I say god dang it before I get in trouble?
1. Thomas farted and it smells like bacon.

Top Ten Rejected Titles for My Rap Album

10. Sittin in Traffic
9. Tougher than Pleather
8. Straight Outta Concordia
7. Wipin Baby Butts
6. Takin’ Out tha Trash
5. Fallin’ Off the ladder
4. Wipin Boogers Off the High Chair
3. Giv’n the Plumber $354
2. The Notorious K.A.B
1. Licensed to Nap

Top Ten Least Popular Cans of Soup

10. Peanut butter and jelly sandwich
9. Cream of macaroni and cheese
8. Old Roy
7. Raviolo
6. Extra Long Cheese Coney and Tots
5. Chicken Broth and Random floating dog hair
4. Heineken and Chives
3. Crab Chowder
2. Granola
1. Kobe Chunks and Noodles

Signs my kids might be in a secret society
10. Halloween costumes and costume accessories this year – cloaks, squares, and compasses
9. Wanted to name the fish Opus Dei
8. Keep referring to parade Shriners as “the necessary distraction.”
7. Sold all of their stocks on September 5th with an order to repurchase on November 3rd…Odd.
6. Get incredibly mad at me when I call the movie National Treasure a comedy.
5. During our drive to preschool scrolling through the menu of available songs on the radio my daughter yells NO, NO, NO, ROCK AND ROLL, NO MORE TALKING RADIO. Sorry that’s a sign she will grow up to be a radio program director.
4. Slipped up and called President Bush, President Cheney.
3. Read the classified ads in my wife’s cosmo magazine then make a hushed comment to the dog.
2. Like to watch Dora the Explorer muted.
1. Blank for fear of retribution

Names of the New 5th Floor Multipurpose Room

The BAR (Big Ass Room)
Mark’s Madness
The Stereo Room (2 of eveything)
Mother of all Ice Machines Room
The Charlie Wear Memorial Conference Room
The holographic deck
The PIP room
The Kevin Volker Editing Room (Shades Drawn)
Kobayashi Maru